It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
