Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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