I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
