Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's blow job season.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
