She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
