i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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