Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
