the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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