this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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