I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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