the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
