Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
