is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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