i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
