I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
