i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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