He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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