My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
