Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
