I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
