i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
