Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
