new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
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Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?