Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions