Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
