Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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