I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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