You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
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God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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