Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
