90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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