You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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