Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
