and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
