when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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