I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
