come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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