I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
