I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
