Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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