I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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