Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
