My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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