i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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