She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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