thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
