If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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