someone threw a dead crab at me
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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