I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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