So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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