I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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