I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
