Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
