he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
