I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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