My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
