god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
