I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
