No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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