When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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