I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
