Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
